The last couple of days
For the last couple of days, I’ve been feeling depressed. Nothing is particularly wrong, but I feel lonely, and it’s easy to get up in my head. Worse even, the sun has been setting around 4:30pm, much too early, and I don’t make it out of my apartment until just before sundown.
During the morning, I’ll sit in front of the computer, work on my cross stitch project, and drink early grey tea. I usually drink two nicely-sized cups (I quit drinking coffee some time ago). I’ll eventually eat (around 11 or so), then go back to my computer and work a bit more.
Eventually, it dawns on me that it’s already 1/2pm, and that I really really ought to go outside before the sun sets. The idea of being inside all day, and watching the sun travel down my wall, makes me sad. I promise myself I’ll go out.
Once outside, I realize how cold it is, how absolutely miserable and windy it is, how my fingers are frozen solid, and how I wore the wrong coat. As I walk, I warm up, and I start to think. My mind dials in and the thoughts come. Today, I think about the relationships in my life, and convince myself that my friend, C, who is by all accounts a wonderful and sweet person, will for some unexplainable reason, decide to cut me out of her life.
I walk, stare at the ground, and consider this. I feel self-loathing, and the whole thing feels stupid. I judge myself for judging myself. My thoughts keep looping and I’m convinced everyone will eventually leave—that’s how it’s supposed to go.
I muster up the courage and send C a text message, asking if she wants to watch a movie tonight. Inside. I’m scared she’ll pull away. Instead, she says yes. I am reminded that just about every time, the real-life evidence is contrary to the thoughts in my head.
Before I leave for her apartment, I have the brilliant idea of making potato wedges with her, and pack up the last of my golden potatoes, mix some spices, and get in my car.
As I drive to her apartment, I get pulled over by a cop. I’ve never been pulled over before – only as a passenger. I feel anxious and I can’t get the words out of my mouth to the officer. I wonder whether he thinks I’m drunk. I notice he asks me two separate times where I’m going tonight. I’m stammering and feel embarrassed and like I’m a bad person. As I drive away, I judge myself for this as well.
I get to C’s apartment, and I am glad to see her. I feel a bit shaken from my interaction with the cop. I decide that in order to combat people pleasing, I should show my messy unclean edges, instead of hiding them as usual. When she asks me how I am, I reveal to her that I have been feeling sad and lonely for the last couple of days, and that the grey sky is bumming me out. She pauses mid-cooking, listens attentively, making eye contact the whole time. She gives me a hug, which feels nice.
I make the baked potatoes. She shares her ravioli with me. We watch Edgar Wright’s, The World’s End. I give her a deep hug before I head out into the cold darkness.
When I get home, I am in a good mood. I connected with a friend, and I felt seen. I’m grateful to have this person in my life. I know it will take even more time for me to put my guard down, but I am trying. More than anything, I’m grateful she gave me the attention, listened to me, and didn’t ridicule me for the things that I said. She made me feel understood, and I am grateful for her presence in my life.
It’s strange how you can start a day in one place, and end in another.