The Certainty of Uncertainty
I do not like the fact that I cannot control the outcomes of my life. Don't get me wrong – I'm not a control freak, but I can confidently say that I have a low tolerance for uncertainty.
Growing up with a Ukrainian post-Soviet mother, the importance of always being ready was drilled into me from an early age. Relying on a single parent who was always working, I often had to take care of myself.
I have memories of ironing a school shirt, becoming distracted by the TV, and burning a giant hole through it. Another time, I was making eggs, got distracted, and smoked up the entire kitchen. My mom came home to all the doors and windows open, as little Max tried to air out the apartment.
The irony is that, unknowingly, your childhood often shapes your adulthood. Now that I'm in my 30s, I'm actively trying to unlearn these habits. My best approximation of this is an attempt to keep myself safe, but with safety always comes distance.
A Dream
Last night I had a dream that I worked in a restaurant, or a club, or some kind of restaurant-club. The place was big and dark, filled with red lights and loud music. The pay was pretty good for the gig, and I was offered the job on the spot. Almost as soon as I took it, I began regretting it.
In my dream, I kept getting lost in the large halls of this establishment. At some point I thought to myself, "I could disappear for an hour, and nobody would ever know." At some point, I somehow lost my white shirt and began searching for it. I found somebody else's white shirt – not quite the same as my own – but after trying it on, returned it to its rightful place.
Last Thoughts
I think the reason I had the dream is because I'm afraid of switching jobs. I keep seeing news about job numbers, how hard it is to find a job, etc., and it spooks me. I'm at $57k a year, which isn't bad by any means, in fact, I'm grateful, but I'm also worried about being able to find something just as good, if not better.
a deep sigh
I know that I have to continue moving toward an exit. It's just hard, and sad, sometimes. Though, I slept well the other day and spent many hours working on my portfolio. It's really shaping up, and I already have 5 projects laid out in Illustrator. It's looking pretty good.
The hardest thing is believing in myself – believing that I already have 4 years of experience under my belt, and that I am able to leverage that and go somewhere better. I've never been good at advocating for myself, but I am trying.
Thanks for reading.