Remember this Day
I'll make this quick. It's the end of the day, I'm about to go to bed, and for some reason, I feel...happy. Wow.
Observations on what I'm feeling:
- My body feels tired
- There's not a lot of mental noise/static β it's pretty calm
- I feel pleased with the work I accomplished today
- My work day was quiet, but active enough
- I fed myself food that I made, I drank tea, and I allowed myself simple pleasures
- I don't feel compelled to distract myself with social media, YouTube, porn (I feel comfortable occupying the present moment)
- I feel quiet in a calm way
- I'm grateful I prioritized coming home earlier, so I could shower + go to bed on time β it is self-care
The thought that's been on my mind the past couple of days:
- I'm slowly learning to occupy the being that I amβwithout apology, without explanation, just being.
I'm bad at speaking up when my feelings are hurt. Instead, I tend to gaslight myself and rationalize that something is wrong with me. For some reason, it's difficult for my brain to comprehend that my feelings are valid.
The other day, though, I expressed to C that something she said had hurt me. It was hard to do, and I found myself repeatedly hesitating. Eventually, the words left my mouth. I felt like a little puppy, afraid of being kicked, but I made eye contact with her.
C met me half way. She apologized, and I felt seen. When your feelings are validated, it's amazing how much better you feel. All anger, all anxiety, instantly drops to the floor. In that moment, I made a little bit of space for myself, and it served as a reminder that I don't need to compartmentalize myself around other people. I can just be, and I'm allowed to take up space.
I'd like to keep practicing being myself, and owning whatever it is that I feel. My internal and external states are coming into alignment, a little step at a time. It feels true, and real, and good. Times like this, I don't understand why I ever doubted myself in the first place.