Long Time no See
Hi! It's been 5 months since my last entry. I've been busy.
Since then...
At the end of July, my employer suddenly eliminated my position. They asked me to come into a meeting, and told me I had three days to get my stuff and get on my way. It was sudden, yet in a strange kind of way, relieving. I no longer had to fill out hourly work logs, have PIP meetings in which I had to defend my every action (not to mention get gaslit), or deal with their other bullshit.
The whole thing was unfair. Unlike everyone else, I did not get a going-away party. I did not get an exit interview. My supervisor did not come down to talk to me, or email me, or reach out to me. In fact, I didn't see or hear from her, and that spinelessness, cowardice, and lack of professional courtesy were incredibly disheartening. We worked together for two years and I got nothing. I was also supposed to get health insurance through the month of August, and the organization messed up even that, interrupting my therapy and doctor appointments.
I was understandably quite upset (and still occasionally get worked up about it), but two months down the line, I actually think it might have been for the best.
To my surprise, many people from the organization came to my aid. Virtually everybody was on my side, and thought the organization's actions were unjust. Several instructors even considered quitting on the spot, and at least one has already distanced herself from the nonprofit.
In the realm of arts organizations, which are typically local and people-facing, it looks quite bad if they eliminate someone in such a careless fashion. Organizations talk, so it tends to poison the well.
For me, the support was heartening and meaningful. I even saved one of the emails I received from a professional colleague.
Unemployment
My former employer offered me part-time work, but after thinking it through for a week (which, genuinely, was quite tough), I decided to say no. After all, I'd have to deal with my same boss (the one who put me on the PIP), the same HR person, and the same environment that has been burning me out for the last two years. I gave so much of myself to them, but I decided that maybe it just wasn't worth giving more.
I decided to instead file for state unemployment, and to give myself time to lie around and be depressed. I spent August dog-sitting, doing occasional part-time work, and trying to rest, though this I found difficult.
I've never been good at "resting," so I didn't quite know what to do with myself. I noticed that the harder I tried to rest, the more elusive it became. Instead, I would fill out my weekly unemployment certifications as I looked for jobs.
A new opportunity...
A professional colleague dropped me a tip about a teaching opportunity at a university. But when I got on the phone with the chair of the department, it turned out the opportunity wasn't for teaching at all. They had a vacant staff position open instead. He told me the pay (slightly more money than my last job), the hours (9-5), and the obligations. The job involves running the department's video/audio rental service for students, which sounds a lot like my makerspace job. It's almost like I've done this before.
I spent 2-3 days thinking it through. This was the same university where I received my master's. I was already familiar with the department, the professors, and much of the staff. I'd have to get more institutional knowledge under my belt, but I could probably figure it out. Additionally, many of the professors had already vouched for me, which was genuinely so nice to hear. It made me feel like I already had a reputation (which I guess I do).
I decided to accept the opportunity, and started the job at the end of August, barely a month after my elimination. My severance pay hadn't even gone through.
Conclusion
I don't have any neat conclusion to these thoughts, but I am struck by how often I have the wrong idea about things. I spent several months worrying about losing my job, and then I actually did, but I felt...relief? The worst possible thing that could have happened actually did happen, but here I am.
I worry about my ability to start my new position, or whether I'll keep up, but it's already been over a month, and here I am. My student workers, and everyone above and below me, seem glad I'm here.
The frustrating thing is that I KNOW worrying doesn't help, yet I still do it. I know that I should enjoy my life, sleep well, and rest, and yet I still struggle to do so. To say it bluntly, it makes me feel kind of dumb sometimes. I survived all these unfortunate events (ba dum ts), yet I feel as if I haven't learned anything at all. I fear (worry, again) that I'll keep doing my same old shtick.
As of yesterday, I have a new worry. Our department is implementing a zero-based budget, meaning every single computer, desk, USB cable, camera, battery, SD card, projector, and HDMI cable has to be accounted for, justified, and catalogued. I already feel overwhelmed, and I've barely started.
My worry is that I'll do this forever, whatever this is. I'll never truly live, I'll just drown in one job, then the next. My thoughts, unfortunately, have run away with me, and I am yet again a prisoner of my mind.
All to say – it's kind of miserable sometimes, and occasionally wonderful, and sometimes, maybe even good, but it is hard, and somehow, you have to keep pushing on, and hoping, and trying anyway, because you really ought to, and because you might as well build something that matters to you, at least once. Thanks for reading.