Long Time No See + The Kiss
Well well well. I got into this whole blogging thing and then dropped off the face of the planet for four months. Work has been busy, and I've been stressed out. Therapy starts again next week with my new (old) insurance plan. I'm hoping to identify people-pleasing patterns + work on my relationship anxiety + relationship OCD (if that's what this is).
Last Saturday, C and I kissed.
I don't mean to sound defensive or presumptuous, but I get the impression it's unusual for a guy to want to take his time when it comes to physical intimacy. Maybe it's more common than I think it is, so I hope I'm wrong.
Yes, I watch porn, but in real life, I notice I don't tend to rush things. I want to take it slow. I want to sit next to the person, and get a little closer, bit by bit. The truth of it is that I'm pretty meek when it comes to initiating physical intimacy. I want to feel certain in my actions, and I don't want to, in a matter of speech, "think with my dick." I want to act because it aligns with my values.
So, my version of being "physical" with C has been hugs that go on for a little longer than usual, being a little closer to her, or playful, or both. I can tell that she doesn't mind one bit. The truth of it is that I'm nervous and I'm scared of the vulnerability that intimacy brings.
As we finished watching Jurassic Park 3 (a wholly underwhelming movie), C puts her head on my shoulder. I sit there, not quite sure how to take it in, but I think it's okay.
Somehow, we end up on the floor. She tells me a story about how she used to stretch athletes as part of her undergrad and starts to stretch my legs. I lay on the carpet, sleepy. It is late. She massages my back. It feels nice. She lays down next to me and we just lay on the ground. She gets close to me and puts her arm around me. I say random thoughts out loud, saying something about if there is a God out there, I hope it's a cute animal.
We lay in the darkness. She asks if I want to go lay down on her bed, but I don't know if I'm ready yet, plus, it's late, about 2am. I was planning to go home 2-3 hours ago. I tell her that I think I'll go home, that I don't like grinding my teeth at night, and I need my mouth guard. Blah blah blah. I think she just wanted to be more comfortable.
We are both seated now and facing one another in the dark. I tell her that I thought she looked attractive while teaching her class at work the other week. I liked how her back and arms looked and I found something about her working on the pottery wheel attractive. The expertise is sexy. I'm just being honest. She says she finds me attractive as well, the way I look into her eyes, etc. I decide to be upfront about my relationship anxiety, that I need to go slow, that I feel uncertainty inside and that it's hard for me.
As I say this, she tries to comfort me. She hugs me, and holds me. I tear up a little, probably because I'm scared. She says that she would like to kiss me, but understands if I'm not ready. I hesitate for a moment, wondering whether I'm ready. I decide to go for it, lean in, and give her a couple of gentle kisses on the lips. I notice that I'm excited, and hard, and am experiencing a lot of feelings at once.
As I'm about to go home, I give her another hug, and I kiss her on the neck. I feel like a couple of swans cradling each other's necks. She holds me, and it feels warm.
I get home, and while peeing, notice there is a lot of pre-ejaculatory fluid in my underwear. I guess I got pretty excited, which seems like important information. I note this too.
The strange thing is that it feels as if the kiss never happened. I can't explain it. There's something in my brain that is blocking it out. Maybe it's blocking out the vulnerability, the intimacy, something.
When we kissed, I felt...neutral. It wasn't great, it wasn't bad either. I didn't get fireworks, but it also felt safe and comfortable, which I suppose is good. I can definitely say it wasn't unpleasant, but I don't know what I was even expecting.
I notice a lot of my pain in my life comes from the bridge between expectations and reality. I keep expecting to feel something, then don't feel it, then think something must be wrong. A kiss that feels safe and comfortable might very well be the best thing a person can ask for.
Since that night, I've seen C at work. She's come to visit me and bring me seltzer. The interactions feel more personal and intimate than before, but also real, and warm. I notice an internal anxiety, that voice that wants to pull away, that wants to keep myself safe. It's the same voice that panics, that worries, that propagates the "what-if" thoughts.
That anxiety is hard for me. Sometimes, I look at her face, and I hyper-focus on her features, or her toe-thumbs, and I feel repelled. At other times, I look at her, and I think she's attractive, and I like how she looks, how she makes me feel, and that she seems to be able to hold me with gentleness, and grace. Those sticky thoughts might very well be relationship OCD, but hopefully therapy will help to answer that.
I feel guilt about those thoughts. They're not rational, but I have them. I'd kill to be able to be in the moment, not fixate, and simply enjoy C's company. I know I don't have to "figure" anything out right now, and that we can take our time, and do it our own way. That's allowed.
Thanks for reading. Cheers.