Feelings of tenderness
I feel like I am going to sound like a complete psycho, but I notice there are times when I feel off, but it doesn't seem to be for any particular reason.
Take today for example. I wake up feeling hungover, despite not drinking any alcohol last night. I slept poorly, and on top of that, my back hurts. It makes me feel like an old man, despite only being 32.
I go through the routine: pee, weigh myself, brush my teeth, wash my face, smear SPF lotion on my cheeks and forehead, and get dressed. Sitting down in front of the computer with my earl grey tea (no coffee for me), I watch the Sopranos.
I start working on my cross stitch pattern again, making intricate designs in Illustrator, painstakingly drawing squares with the live paint bucket tool, and then it dawns on me. I feel sad.
I try to sit with this, but can't figure out the actual reason, which feels annoying. I'm convinced that men must also get periods because holy shit do I feel moody. I think of my friend C, who seems so emotionally stable, always happy to see you, to spend time with you, and it makes me feel crappy.1 I wish I could be like that, but I know it's pointless to compare.
I try to find the reason, and the following things come to mind:
- Whether I want to go home for Christmas
- Whether I can tolerate my mom's partner
- Whether I can handle potentially seeing my cat Hazel for the last time (she has diabetes and ain't doing too hot)
- Whether I can tolerate the even colder, darker climate, that is Wisconsin2
- Guilt about not seeing my mom/grandma
- Guilt about not seeing friends (to be honest, this is the least of my worries)
I check the flights back home, and the round trip is about $450. I consider whether I want to deal with the whole thing at all. My gut says no. The other part of me thinks, "your grandma might die and this is your last chance to see her." Who really knows though? Couldn't they all die? Maybe we could arrange it to be at the same time? We could do it like Midsommar and just burn the whole thing down (spoilers).
If you haven't figured it out by now, I think a lot. Honestly, I can't help it. It's the way I am, and I'm still coming to terms with the legitimacy of my feelings. I know they're not always logical, and that's the frustrating thing. I wish I could figure out the intricacies of my brain, but alas, I cannot. The ultimate irony here is you can't logic your way out of feeling. You have to feel them. No matter how idiotic and stupid they are, I know I have to try and accept them. They are my feelings, and pushing them down will only cause more damage in the end. Welp.