Feeling Depressed
Lately it has been difficult for me to find joy in my life. I notice that I feel tired — not just physically, but emotionally. Something deep within me needs quiet and calm.
Work
We got through our big work event last Saturday, but the fun never stops. There's always more to do. I resent my boss, and though I know it could be so much worse, I'm still not happy with it. I have been asked to keep a work log for each hour over the past week, and now I've been asked to do it for a second week. My boss checks in on what I'm working on often, as if she doesn't trust that I have an internal compass for what needs to be prioritized. I feel micromanaged, and find it absurd that she doesn't know what I do after working with me for a fucking year and a half. Her approach deeply upsets me.
I'm not rude to her at work, but I don't go out of my way to be nice or to ask about her. I'm factual, give her the information she asks for, and leave it at that. Honestly — I wouldn't want to do it any other way. It's too painful to pretend to like someone when you just don't.
So I'm not rude, but I'm not super friendly with her either. My goal is neutrality, with maybe an aftertaste of resentment. It is what it is. Her management style isn't likely to change, and I don't want to have to hide my feelings or put on a nice face for her. If parts of the education team decide to leave because their supervisor makes them feel invisible, that's a management problem.
C
Last week, C and I were the closest we've been to sexual intimacy. We kissed, touched each other's bodies, and honestly, it was pretty nice. I felt safe, and though I had some anxiety, it was generally a pleasant experience.
It made me think about my early sexual experiences as a teen and how exciting they were. As a 32-year-old, though, it feels nice to have someone I like touch my body — but also, I don't know how to say this, I've gotten used to taking care of myself. It's nice, but not as, pardon the phrase, "explosive" and exciting as it was when I was younger.
As we were kissing on her couch in the dark with her on top of me, some part of me felt like I was up and away, observing myself from the side. I noticed I suddenly became hyper-aware of what was happening. I was enjoying it, but also found myself floating somewhere else in the room. I don't know how else to explain it.
Again — there's a strange disconnect for me between being intimate with someone and then seeing them the next day at work. Something about that mix of her being a colleague but also being intimate with her feels confusing to my brain, not that there can't be overlap.
There are really no complaints here — it's more that I'm trying to have the experience without micro-analyzing it for what it means. I think C is a great person and I don't think she'd ever intentionally hurt me.
Time Off
A 40-hour work week with only 2 days off is not enough time to rest. Sundays are my lounge day, where I don't do anything in particular. Mondays (also an off-day) I do my grocery shopping, meal prep, etc. In the end, it feels like barely enough time to rest before coming back to work. Why did we structure society like this?
On a good note, many months ago I bought a ticket to see a Japanese folk musician coming to my area. Next week, I'm driving to a different city to attend that concert.
I'm trying to keep that experience at the front of my mind as something to look forward to, though I can't say I'm currently excited. The excitement is obscured by the tiredness. I'll have 5 consecutive days off (2 of them my "weekend"), so I'm hoping to get some rest. I'm going to try some new restaurants as well as a hiking trail in the area.
A Few Positives
On a whim, I decided to go to a monthly craft club on Sunday. It was a group of ladies and we all sat around and talked. It was nice, and I worked on a cross-stitch for C that I want to give her. I think it's important that I keep finding community and meeting new people.
I've been looping Harold Budd's Agua on YouTube (I promise this is not a virus or anything). He has a fantastic album called The Pavilion of Dreams, which makes me feel like I'm floating in midair. It's not for everyone, but I like ambient music. Harold Budd is especially interesting to me — he worked with Brian Eno, but outside of that relationship, I feel like he's virtually unknown.
Lastly, I decided to pick up the Russian version of Crime and Punishment off my bookshelf. I got the book from a local library that was going to throw it out. I'm not sure why I decided to crack it open, and I doubt I'll actually read all the way through it, but I made my way through the first chapter. My Russian is decent, though perhaps not good enough for heavy literature. Regardless of whether I end up finishing it, it seems like a good excuse to keep up my Russian.
Written by me, grammar edited by Claude.
I'm hanging in there. Thank you for reading. ❤️