Bear Blog Thoughts + Intentionality
As I'm getting in the swing of writing Bear blog posts, I'm noticing a few things go through my mind:
- Perfectionistic tendencies - this experiment must be tailored and intentional
- Protection around anonymity, and how anonymous do I really want to be
- Protection around sharing, and how much do I really want to share
- Looking too far into the future and where this will all end up
- Imagined scenarios of where my blog journey will take me
- Annoyance at myself for already turning this into something bigger in my head
- The realization that I don't have to do any of this, and that I'm putting pressure on myself for no reason whatsoever (as usual)
- This can just be fun, and not special, and not perfect (because why does it need to be?)
For several weeks, I spoke to my therapist about how I can be more intentional in my life. It was something I kept coming back to week after week. Eventually, I realized I became hyper-fixated on intentionality, and that it became a crutch. I was stuck on the idea that I could find the singular correct answer to my problems, when in reality, I stopped making decisions.
See, I have a habit of trying to be intentional, then amping it up to 11, getting exhausted, and then quitting. I don't quit because I want to, but because I have expended my reserves, and I am running on empty. It's old software that runs in the background.
Hyper-intentionality can be paralyzing. At some point, you just have to do the thing, and allow yourself to be messy and imperfect. I struggle with this a lot, because I care about the things that I do.
This Bear blog is not meant to be perfect, and it's allowed to be messy and awful, if I see fit. This is not a manifesto, but a reminder that I can focus on the now, not the later, and give myself the grace to be relaxed and enjoy the process.
So here's to imperfection: asoijfaoiejfa;owefuao9ifjih0w8oifasndc